My nerves are shot. Today is my appointment, and I am a basket case. There are so many things running through my head, those regarding my SCH, and those that come with a normal pregnancy. Is the clot bigger? Smaller? Gone? Am I growing? Is the baby growing? Is the baby still alive and healthy? Is this considered a “normal” pregnancy yet? Can I start buying stuff without worrying?

The questions in my mind, go over and over again. I can’t sleep, I am sure due to mostly being pregnant, but also due to the anxiety I am having. I am trying so hard to continue my normal day, but my mind keeps wondering back to it.

The last two weeks, I have felt so at peace, and so strong, and then all of a sudden, over the past few days, I have been a nut-case. I am going to say it is just my nerves, and that I am still feeling pretty at peace about how my baby is, and how the clot is. I hope they are both doing what they are supposed to do.

I will update tonight. Until then…

I went to the doctor yesterday. They did an ultrasound, and baby looked great. It is measuring right on target, with a heart rate of 162. It was jumping, and turning, and seemed happy and healthy. There was huge evidence of a blood clot though. It almost surrounds the baby, and is in the shape of an L. It is a total of 8cm long, and it lies directly on top of my cervix. The sonographer looked a little uneasy, which of course scared me. They sent me in to talk to the midwife, who had already spoken to my OB about it. They said, at this point, there is nothing I can do. I need to make sure I eat right, and get at least 3 liters of water a day. She said that bed rest would not hurt or help at this point. It is now in the hands of God.

I, of course, am a basket case. I just assumed this would be a normal pregnancy, that I could enjoy. Instead, I have spent the last 13 weeks, worried. I know this is in His plans for me, and I will take it, and embrace it, and depend on Him for my strength, but it is very difficult. I asked my husband last night, if he wanted to go at 16 weeks to a 3d ultrasound place, and do a gender determination. My thinking, is that if I allow the enemy to give me fear, and loss of hope, then he is winning. I am choosing to DEPEND on my God, and know that He knows what is best for me. I have heard Him tell me things would be ok, so I am holding on to that.  When I asked my husband that, he said, “Don’t you think we need to get this problem taken care of first!” That made me sad, I don’t want him giving into the enemy.

They made me change my appointment from the 5th (it was originally the 3rd, but I had to reschedule for the 5th), and change it for 2 weeks. I go back on October 27th, in the afternoon for an ultrasound and a midwife appointment. I am praying, and believing that the clot will be gone at that time, and the baby will continue to thrive and grow, and be happy.

Right now, we are taking this pregnancy a day at a time. That is all I can do. I decided to make a change after the appointment. I am only drinking water, and if not water, something with nutritional value. I sent Jody out on a fruits and vegetables run, and I started taking ReLiv. I am determined to do EVERYTHING in my absolute power to get my baby here, happy and healthy. I plan on resting as much as possible, and that means going nowhere unless it is necessary. If I need a grocery run, I will send my hubby, DJ, or a friend.

I am surrounded by a huge support system, between my family and friends. All who love this baby so much, and know what a blessing he/she will be to our lives. I know I can do this, and I know my God can do this.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13

13 weeks and 2

Woke up bleeding heavier than supposed too. After a phone call to the midwife, she advised back to bedrest, at least until they could see me on Monday. She said she would tell me to head to the ER, but that they were full of flu patients, so I was safer at home.

They have started to wean me from my progesterone, and that could be a cause for the bleeding. We won’t really know until they do an ultrasound on Monday.

Right before I dedicated myself to the couch, I walked 2 houses down, to a yard sale in my neighborhood. I racked up on some baby stuff. I was also able to get Hunter a few pair of shoes, and some other little small things.

Back to the bed though…oh happy day!

4 Hours

$40 Dollars

And 2 pounds lighter…

He looks clean, and sharp! He even has a Halloween Bandana on! He knows he looks good too, he keeps prancing around, just as a Poodle does! He did so well, but was ready to go home once I got there. It amazes me how much like people, dogs are.

I had my 12 week appointment today. It went great. My blood pressure was up a little bit, but we kind of shrugged that off as anxiety. I was very anxious. She put the Doppler on my stomach, and as soon as she did, there was the heart beat. The baby was front and center! She calculated it to be about 150, which is lower than last time. It is getting lower and lower the further along I get. I hear that is pretty normal though. I have lost 2 pounds according to their scale, and 10 according to mine. My headaches and malnutrition issues are most likely due to the Prometrium, so as I am beginning to wean off of those, my appetite should come back and my migraines should disappear.

She said that since my bleeding was really letting up, she didn’t see a reason to be back next week. Of course, if it picks up anymore, I need to come back. Otherwise, my next appointment is November 3rd. I will be 16 weeks and 3 days, and am hoping to see the gender!

I am 12 weeks and 2 days today. :)  I am so excited! A majority of my bleeding has stopped, but I do notice that if I do TOO MUCH, it comes back in small spurts. My midwife said that is fine, as long as it is not heavy.

I went back to work today. I loved being there. I love my job, the people I work with, and the kids in my class. It took us about 6 weeks to get used to each other, and to really get set in a classroom routine, but we are all doing great with it! I was blessed this year with an awesome aid, and she picks up right where I leave off, whenever I have to be out. We make a great team!

It is the perfect thing to do, for someone like me, who loves to be home with my son, but to also make a little bit of money and be around other adults. 12 hours a week, is not bad at all!

I go back to the doctor tomorrow for my 12 week checkup. I am assuming they will check on the tear they found last week. If not, I know for a fact, she said to have me back next week, to check on it. I just can’t wait to hear the heartbeat. After going through the summer, and all the trials, I need to hear that, just to get me through the next time I hear it. It is almost my gasoline to keep me going.

I will update after my appointment.

After my miscarriage in June, we went on a vacation to Gatlinburg with some of our family. We did a lot of shopping, relaxing, and swimming, and it was a nice, and much needed vacation. We visited a few Flea Markets, and like all flea markets, this one had puppies. They had little, bitty toy poodles. They were so precious!

Hunter is allergic to animals. We have had to get rid of all of our animals, because they were making him miserable. I wanted one of these puppies, but I wasn’t sure how Hunter would react. Poodles are known for being hypo-allergenic, so I was hoping that would prove safe for him.

We let Hunter pet one, and nothing happened. It sometimes takes a little bit for it to really affect him, so we left, and just said we may or may not go back another day. We got so busy, that it slipped ours minds. On the way home from the mountains, we stopped at another flea market, and guess what they had?? Little, teeny, weeny, toy poodles. They were so precious! Since Hunter didn’t react to the first ones, we allowed him this time to hold them, and play with them, just to see what would happen. We spent a good hour there, trying to debate what to do. They also had other breeds of dogs, so because of that Hunter reacted. We weren’t sure at the time whether it was the poodles, or the other dogs. So, we left. I really wanted one of those cute puppies, but we agreed to come home, and find a breeder in our area, and maybe get one from there.

Once we got home, I immediately started googling poodle breeders. We found one right outside of our neighborhood. Jody called, and they were at the vet with their toy poodle, as she was having her puppies. My sister in law called, and said that they had read in the classified section of the paper, about someone who had 3 male black toy poodles. We called her, and we actually decided to drive out there that day. It took us over an hour to get to her house, but we found it.

They were sooo cute!!! There were three there, the runt, the average one, and the big fat chubby one.  I loved the little runt, he was the quiet one. The middle one was making all kinds of loud squeaky noises, and I just KNEW I couldn’t handle that! Jody and DJ loved the fat one. lol We took a family vote, and the chubby one won.

We brought him home, and he just fit right in. He is so smart, and such a good addition to the family. Hunter reacted some to him at first, but after we bathed him, he would be fine. So, we just make sure to clean him every few days. We decided to name him Smoky Bear (Smoky for the Smokey Mountains, and Bear because he was really fluffy, almost like a little bear.)

Smoky was 3 pounds the day we got him. LOL He will be 6 months old on October 9th, and he weighs almost 9 pounds! lol He is still a chunky little thing, but he is just so precious!

Don’t get me wrong! We have our days, where we have accidents on the floor, chewed up shoes, or toys, and I think, “What were we REALLY thinking!” But, when the world feels like it is crashing down on you, his unconditional love and kisses make it better.

He and Hunter fight like brothers. They both do things intentionally to annoy the other. For instance, Smoky will walk up to Hunter, and yank something out of his hands, and then take off running. lol Hunter does the same thing to him. At first, I would get onto them, but I think that is how they are bonding. Hunter loves Smoky so much, is always concerned for him. It is a love/hate relationship I think.

I will end with this funny thought. When Hunter is at school, and it is just Smoky and I on the couch, and he hears a child on the TV, he will hide! lol It cracks me up! I almost try to find shows where there are kids, just to see if he will do it again..lol. Mean, aren’t I?

Last night, Hunter was asking me lots of questions about when he was living in my belly. He wanted to know if he kicked, and how big he was. He was really showing a lot of interest, and seemed to really understand. I asked him if he wanted to watch the hospital video of his birth. He was so excited. So we made a picnic in the living room, and watched the 1.5 hour long tape of that wonderful day. The video that we made, started during my pregnancy, and included various clips of the hospital stay, and the birth. The entire time, we are talking to him, using his name, and calling each other mommy and daddy. I forgot we had done that. As soon as the video started, Jody says, “Hey Hunter, this is your mommy, and she is always on the phone.” (It was a clip of me, in the hospital bed, talking on the phone..lol) Hunter said, “Mommy! Daddy knew my name!” It just sent chills down my spine. I just watched him, watch the video, and I was just in tears.

We worked so hard to get hiim here, and wanted him so badly, that he will never begin to fully understand the extent of it. The entire time that I was watching it and crying, I thought about Mandi’s post called Burden or Blessing. Children are a blessing. And like Mandi, I like myself more as a mom, then I did, just as another person. My life feels important now, and I love nothing more than seeing a happy smile on my childs face. He is my sun and my moon, and he will always be special to me. He made me a mommy first. We have many days, frustrating, tearful days, where I don’t know how I am going to get through, but then I just imagine his sweet little face, and it can turn a bad thought good. When I lost the baby in June, Hunter was THE ONLY thing that made my heart feel like one piece. I tried so hard to find comfort in things, and all along, it was him. Even going through this bed rest thing, I have had a lot of offers for people to come and get him and take care of him for me, but I want him with me. He is my heart, and he makes me feel better about life. I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

Bottom line, children are such a blessing from God. Hug yours a little tighter, and thank God for them. They are a miracle sent directly from Him.

I started this blog 3 different times, but everytime, something took priority. Now that I am home alone, and it is quiet, I can now update.

Last Saturday mornning, I was running my errands, and all of a sudden felt something very, uhh, un-normal. I rushed home, went to the bathroom, and realized I was bleeding horribly. I packed up Hunter, and went to the closest ER, so that my husband could meet me there. After a long wait, many tears, and an hour long ultrasound, turns out I have a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. I was sent home on strict bedrest, and was told that I had a 50% chance of having a healthy pregnancy. The ultrasound did show a happy baby, with a heartrate of 164. As soon as we left, I called my midwife. She said to not let them freak me out, that this was serious, but in most cases, they are resolved and these women go on to have their babies. She did confirm the bedrest, at least until she could see for herself what we were looking at.

Bed rest was not easy. My biggest concern was Hunter. He didn’t understand what was going on, and why I couldn’t get up and play with him, and take care of him like usual. It broke my heart, and it didn’t matter how hard I tried to make him understand, he just didn’t get it.

We finally got an appointment on Monday at 1, where they did an ultrasound. Baby was still doing great!! Heart rate was 161, baby was flipping, and waving and turning. It was so wonderful to see. Afterwards, my midwife came in to talk to me about it. She said they did find a 3cm tear along the chorion sac (apparently there are 2 sacs around the baby, and the tear is in the outer sac). The good news, is that the tear isn’t in the sac around the baby. She told me I could come off of strict bed rest, but that I still needed to be resting and only do thiings in moderation. If I am up doing something for 20 min, then I need to be laying down right after for 20 min. I am able to go back to work, but I decided for myself to take the rest of the week off, just to rest, and let this heal. Otherwise, I risk being back in the same boat again.

I have been feeling very faint twinges, and little butterflies in my stomach. I have to be laying down, and really be still to actually feel them. I have missed that!

I will be 12 weeks on Saturday, and beginning my second trimester! I am so excited! This has been such a long time coming, and I just can’t wait to experience this all over again.

So, I have been battling this horrible headache over the past week. It just all of a sudden appeared. I could barely hold my head up, and it made me vomit continuously. I noticed I was starting to loose weight, and realized that I had dropped 10 pounds. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t even drink, without throwing up. I knew I needed to eat, but I didn’t know what to do.

I read many, many sites, and read a few books about what I could possibly to do fix it, and what I could do to prevent it. One of the culprits is hunger. It was definitely a possibility, considering I had dropped that much weight in a small amount of time. Last night, when Jody asked me what I wanted to eat for dinner, immediately Johnny’s New York Style pizza popped into my head! I wanted wings! So we went, and I had a salad, crackers, wings, and garlic knots. Yumm! It was so good. I noticed after we left, that my headache was GONE. Not even a twinge of pain, where there had been twinges before. I was starving.

The key, is to eat something I actually want, instead of trying to stomach what I don’t know, but think I need. I end up throwing it all up anyways, so why force myself. I followed that plan today at work, and believe it or not, no more headaches at all. I was a little nauseous, but it was quickly sent packing once I would eat a small snack. Yay!